The Bet

A friend and I had a summer bet going...without going into too many details, let's just say we wanted to add some excitement to our love lives--and by that, I mean actually put effort into having a love life this summer. If you know me well--including my personal life involving the opposite sex--you know that a) I don't date a lot--a mixture of being underwhelmed by those around me, a lack of prospects being interested in me, and the sporadic shoulder-shrug/PAH! attitude at the very mention of dating--and 2) when I date, there's no half-assing it. I'm all in, and expect some damnseriousfun. And by that, I mean: being serious (as in, having mature communication and  intentionally getting to know each other and walking towards Christ together) and having serious FUN (fall-to-your-knees-laughing, spontaneous-adventuring, witty-bantering, wrestle-you-to-the-ground passionate FUN).
Soooo, obviously those two elements do not leave much room for a multitude of suitors....it takes a while for things to actually unfold into a relationship for me. I will often joke and say "I have to LIVE with someone before we date!", because that's basically the circumstances in which my relationships have developed in the past--very concentrated amounts of time together where they've seen all sides of me. Which in some ways is flattering: the fact that the more someone gets to know me, the more they like (versus the alternative of being love-struck initially and then with time being unimpressed). But I see this also as a red flag, and very revealing of an insecurity of mine: When I like someone, I am shy--not painfully shy, but certainly more reserved and cautious about being completely me. Granted I can be reserved in other social situations, but in the presence of someone I am interested in (but don't know where they stand), I find myself censoring what comes out of my mouth-- making sure it has purpose and will land well with the other person. And as someone who has always prided myself on being blunt and speaking unabashedly and pondering outlandish musings outloud, this is oh so frustrating to see in myself!
Do you see the catch here? I want relationships that from the get-go feel intimate and comfortable, the "best friend" dynamic where they get me and what I'm about---BUT I struggle letting people I like see entirely who I am if I'm not sure what they think of me. That best friend relationship that I so desire and continue to hold out for won't be able to build until I can get past my timidity and let those who have first charmed me see and like ME, as I truely am. My dating Catch-22, as it were.
Oh goodness, did I really just reveal a *gulp* insecurity to you, dear reader? On the internet, where people are to appear perfect and grown-up and have it all together?!? Indeed I did. I hope you found it refreshing.


And for the record, I STILL have some days (or weeks, if we go by autumnal equinox) to win this bet. So, my mantra remains: BE BOLD!