A tide of excitement and peace that has yet to finish washing over me.

It was a very bittersweet feeling as I watched the announcement of the Deputee's last night.

Deputation is an 8 week mission trip in which participants are placed in a team of 3 other students and are sent to one of 9 different countries to do mission work. I've known a number of people who have participated in it (my brother went to Ethiopia in '05), and while it seemed like an amazing, life-changing program, I have never been passionate about doing it.

Believe me, I would LOVE to travel to far off places, serving God and seeing how he's already working in the lives of others. Plus, the trip's price is highly reduced thanks to the church, so you can't expect to find a cheaper long-term mission trip.

So come last month, I was faced with the opportunity to apply. I looked over the list of locations, and got really excited when i saw the Manila, Phillippines description. It sounded like a great fit for me, but really, any of the locations would be awesome to visit: Ireland, Kenya, India, Serbia....this being said, I turned in my application the next day. I went to the meetings, and you honestly couldn't find a better group of people going. It sounded so appealing, and you're doing God's work, so it can't be a bad decision....right?

I found myself being really anxious about it. Some days I was all for it; other days it seemed like there were too many reasons why I shouldn't go. In all honesty, the whole idea scared me: Not picking where or whom I would be going with. Cost. Worries about my own effectiveness in loving people I can barely communicate with.

I worried that these were just signs of me not wanting to get out of my own comfort zone. But after examining myself, talking with others, and a lot of lost sleep, I realized I simply didn't have the passion for it. When I do something big like Deputation, I don't want to be anxious to the point of tears-I want to know that it's exactly what I should be doing, how I should be serving. And I just didn't feel it.

But something else had been on my heart, and that was staff at Lakeside. I applied last year, but eventually turned it down because of my lack of interest and wanting to stay in seattle and work. But this year, it felt different. The passion was/is there. Instead of thinking about staff for my own benefit (having fun at camp with people I enjoyed), I feel called to love the campers I come in contact with, to be their friend, to be a light and (hopefully) reflection of Jesus, and to just serve a ministry that has impacted my life in every way imaginable. I might go so far to say that it was the first time I had thought about doing staff, or even serving at camp, without selfish reasons.

Once I realized this, everything felt....right. I could breathe again.

Fast forward two weeks from this decision: I sent in my application this past weekend, and I keep learning about awesome people who also applied.

Staff is definitely not set in stone; I still need to be excepted. But....either way, God is good and I have loved hearing his still small voice these past few weeks.